The devastation unfolding this week

in Western North Carolina is

both unspeakably tragic

& utterly mind-blowing.

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It has been hard to process

for so many of us because of

the scale of the devastation and

the fact that it was an absolute mindf**k.

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How could a hurricane do so much damage

in mountainous terrain so far from a coastline?!

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We never expected it.

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I was talking to my father about it early this week.

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My parents live in Asheville half the year and in Miami the other half.

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They and their home are safe, thankfully,

with the benefit of 300 feet of elevation

above the swollen rivers that destroyed

hundreds of lives, countless buildings,

whole communities and entire towns.

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He commented on the fact that he and many of his neighbors

had left Florida for Asheville to avoid hurricanes

"and now look what happened".

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My parents are no strangers to

Hurricanes and the devastation they cause.

In 1992, we lost our family home to Hurricane Andrew.

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When you live in South Florida, you accept a certain degree of risk.

It’s baked into the equation (and the cost of insurance).

Hurricane season is part of the annual rhythm.

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It can be hard to live with that reality,

especially now, with another storm

heading straight toward us, but

it doesn’t compromise our

understanding of reality.

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It doesn't break our brains.

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It’s part of life here.

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In Western North Carolina, it isn’t.

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That disconnect between

what we expect & what happens

makes reality even harder to accept

and feelings much harder to process.

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That is the subject of this issue:

the unintended consequences of expectations (and, of course, how to avoid them).

Expectations are a double-edged sword.

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On the one hand,

they are like mental blueprints

that allow us to prepare for future events,

guide our decision-making, and inspire us to pursue our dreams.

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They can be a powerful motivator,

helping us set goals and

create a clear vision

for our lives.

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On the other hand, expectations have a dark side.

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They can become

mental traps that set us up for

disappointment, frustration and hardship.

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It comes down to the difference between hope and expectation.

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Hope is about

wanting something to happen.

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It’s possibilities.

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Expectation is about

believing something will happen.

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It’s assumptions.

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Hope allows us to

expand our vision of what’s possible

and to dream beyond our current realities.

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Hope honors the reality that we have no control over the outcome.

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We hope without certainty or rigidity.

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Expectation, on the other hand,

attaches certainty to an outcome and

projects a sense of control where we have none.

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This shift from possibility to assumed reality

is where expectations become

a double-edged sword.

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When reality doesn’t align with what we expect will happen,

we’re less able to accept and adapt to

what actually does happen.

In this issue, we'll explore these 5 ways expectations lead to hardship,

identify warning signs that you’re under the influence of expectations and

define actionable strategies to check your expectations and avoid the negative impact.

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• Disappointment, when rigid expectations clash with reality
• Resentment, when unspoken expectations set others up for failure
• Bias, when unfounded expectations distort our perception of reality
• Entitlement, when privileged expectations create a sense of deserving without effort.
• Complacency, when passive expectations lead to stagnation.
• Inadequacy, when unrealistic expectations leave us feeling like we don’t measure up.

1. Expectations and Disappointment

When we form expectations,

we lock into a particular vision of

how an experience is going to play out.

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When reality doesn’t align with that vision,

cognitive dissonance sets in, triggering feelings of

discomfort, anxiety, stress, confusion, frustration, even shame.

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Even if we would have otherwise been content with what transpires,

expectations about a situation can lead us to feel disappointed

about an otherwise perfectly acceptable outcome.

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What to look for:

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You find yourself stuck in the thought that “this isn’t what was supposed to happen,” or

being rigid in your definition of what is acceptable such that you struggle

to adapt to and embrace the situation that is actually unfolding.

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What to do:

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You wanted something to happen

a certain way and it didn’t…

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Acknowledge and label that disappointment

and validate for yourself how it feels.

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It legitimately stinks.

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That self-compassion will take the edge off.

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Next, accept the reality of the situation.

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Battling against or denying reality

will only make you feel worse.

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Then, get some perspective by

cultivating cognitive flexibility.

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Things did not go exactly as you’d envisioned

but that doesn’t have to mean

the whole thing is a bust.

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Take a step back.

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Look for the positivity & opportunity

in what has actually transpired.

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Embrace that silver lining.

2. Expectations and Resentment

Brené Brown wrote that expectations are

“resentments waiting to happen”.

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Yikes.

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With expectations of other people, especially unrealistic ones,

resentment can form when the individual fails to meet

our presumptions and projections of how they

will show up, act, react, think and feel.

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Resentment is even more likely

when the expectations are unspoken,

when they relate to a significant/milestone event, or

when unspoken and unmet expectations persist over time.

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What to look for:

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You find yourself thinking, “they should have known,”

or feeling bitterness and hostility toward someone

without having communicated your needs clearly.

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What to do:

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When you're anticipating a particular encounter or experience,

check in with yourself about whether you're expecting

the other person to act, think or feel a certain way.

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If your feelings about how the other person will show up

are anything other than neutral and curious,

it’s on you to calibrate & communicate.

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Shift yourself off of a rigid perspective

that things have to be a certain way

by embracing a broader range

of possible outcomes.

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Then, communicate that range to the individual involved

so that they know what you are hoping will happen.

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Does this mean that is what will actually happen?

No.

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Even when you communicate your expectations,

you still don’t control the outcome.

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But communicating expectations in advance

gives the other person the information and opportunity to meet them and

gives you the opportunity to address any misses without bitterness & resentment.

3. Expectations and Bias

Expectations can distort our perception of reality.

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Thanks to confirmation bias,

we mostly see what expect to see

and we disregard contradictory information.

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The more we invest in narrow expectations,

the more hardened our biases become.

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What to look for:

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You find yourself seeing things in black and white, jumping to conclusions or

selectively interpreting evidence to support what you expect.

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Contradictory evidence is discredited, discarded or chocked up to anomaly.

Neutral evidence is used to validate your expectations.

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What to do:

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Guard against cognitive distortions

baked into your expectations

by tapping into curiosity.

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Ask yourself, “what evidence am I ignoring?”

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Intentionally seek out perspectives

that challenge your preexisting beliefs.

“What assumptions am I bringing to the table?”

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When potentially disconfirming evidence surfaces, don’t set it aside.

Dive into it with an open mind and a willingness to

evolve your expectations to include a

much broader range of possibilities.

4. Expectations and Entitlement

Entitlement arises when

we assume we’re owed something or

we expect certain outcomes without effort.

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When the expected reward doesn’t materialize,

it triggers frustration and fuels the sense of entitlement.

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What to look for:

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You find yourself feeling slighted or wronged when

things don’t go your way or comparing

your situation to others, thinking,

“that should be me”.

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You feel a sense of superiority or a belief that

you deserve special privileges or recognition

without having earned them.

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What to do:

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Notice when your inner voice suggests

that you’re deserving of

special treatment,

"just because".

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Challenge your thoughts by asking yourself

why you think you're more entitled than others.

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Then, shift your mindset from entitlement to effort.

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Take pride in earning the perks

or accolades you’re expecting

through intentional effort.

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Cultivate joy in your own and others’ achievements

to build value around the experience of

earning over receiving.

5. Expectations and Complacency

Overconfidence tied to a string of successes

can result in unrealistic expectations about our abilities and

lead us to become complacent about potential risks or challenges.

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We stop putting in the effort

to grow and improve because we

believe continued success is inevitable.

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This leads to a false sense of security and low motivation.

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What to look for:

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You find yourself believing positive results

are guaranteed simply by showing up,

rather than through effort.

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You notice you’ve stopped setting new goals or

you’ve lost your drive and

are content to coast.

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What to do:

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Recommit to a value of lifelong learning and continuous improvement.

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Even when you’re on a winning streak,

there’s always room for growth.

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Seek out opportunities to learn

and actively solicit feedback

to identify areas for growth.

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Don’t rest on your laurels,

invest in your future.

6. Expectations and Inadequacy

When expectations are based on what our

lives, accomplishments, or relationships

are “supposed to” look like,

feelings of inadequacy

are unavoidable.

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When our reality doesn't match up what we come to expect based on

others’ successes, cultural narratives or societal standards,

our brain interprets that gap as a personal failing,

leading to feelings of persistent inadequacy

despite what we actually achieve.

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What to look for:

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You minimize your own achievements compared to others and

conclude that where you are is not

where you “should” be.

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You're constantly moving the bar on yourself.

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Even when you achieve milestone goals,

it isn’t enough for you because

it’s not closing the gap.

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Scrolling through your social media feed

is a continuous source of evidence

that you should be more and

have more by now.

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What to do:

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When your expectations

are rooted in comparison,

you’re setting yourself to fail.

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The bar is always moving because it isn’t contained within you.

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The only way to stop that chase is

to find and define your value

inside yourself.

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Focus on personal mastery rather than external benchmarks.

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By anchoring on the process, not just the outcomes,

you set yourself up to meet your expectations

and feel satisfied by your own successes

rather than fixating on end results

that invite comparison.

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Get clear on

what does fulfill you and

calibrate your expectations to that.

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If you aren’t sure, use my

​Satisfaction Self-Assessment to

define fulfillment across 13 key areas of life

and create a path to achieve fulfillment as you define it.

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Calibrate your expectations to

your personal history and realistic capacity.

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We each go through different seasons in life.

Not all of them are conducive to personal stretch goals.

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Define your expectations based on

what is realistically achievable

for you, for now.

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Check in with yourself and build awareness

about your comparison triggers.

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Do certain social media channels or accounts

consistently lead to feelings of inadequacy?

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Limit your exposure to them.

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Easier said than done? Maybe.

Doable and worth doing? Definitely.

Expectations can serve a positive role

in motivating us and guiding our decisions.

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They're also a double-edged sword.

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When expectations aren’t grounded,

they can trigger a spectrum of negative emotions:

• Disappointment, when we expect specific outcomes but don’t control them
• Resentment, when we assume others should meet unspoken expectations
• Bias, when our expectations skew how we interpret situations
• Entitlement, when we come to expect rewards or outcomes “just because”
• Complacency, when we stop striving because we expect more of the same
• Inadequacy, when our expectations are based on unrealistic or external standards

Navigating this balance requires vigilance and attunement:

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1. Check in with yourself regularly to identify if

you’re under the influence of expectations.

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If you notice expectations are in play,

make sure they’re calibrated

to what is realistic,

to your personal journey,

to what is in your control &

to what will actually fulfill you…

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not to what you think is “supposed to happen”.

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2. Avoid stealth expectations.

Communicate expectations of other people

when you become aware of them.

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Don’t expect people to read your mind.

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3. Hold the line at hope.

Hope invites possibility,

expectations demand certainty.

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It’s great to hope for something to happen,

but when you expect it to happen

without the ability to affect it,

you’re setting yourself up

for hardship.

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By staying flexible about the outcome

you can tap into the gift of hope

without locking yourself into

the trap of expectation.

I’d love to hear from you!

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Which of these negative consequences of expectations resonates most?

How do you keep your expectations in check?

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Reply to this email and let me know.

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Plus, check out this week’s episode of

​The Robyn Engelson Podcast.

where we dive in to

burnout prevention and recovery,

mindset mastery and body awareness.

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xx Nicole

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