I love the moments when I catch myself catching myself.

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I can feel my old self turn on, ready to save me from whatever

moment of confusion

perceived indignity

embarrassment

annoyance

trigger

just occurred.

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And then I can feel my new self kick in.

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I’ve got this.

I can stand firm.

I can stay regulated.

I can make small talk.

I can keep my shit together.

I can not (and cannot) murder my children.

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Feeling the switch about to flip and then coming back into my self makes me so happy and proud. And you know how I feel about celebrating the wins. 🥳

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I can appreciate how far I’ve come.

I can see the Old Self and New Self side by side.

And one day, I realized that I can also measure it, and I like being able to measure things.

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I borrowed a concept called Cycle Time from Lean Manufacturing (once an Operator, always an Operator) and started using it to quantify my growth.

When I say quantify here, I mean it loosely — somewhere between directional and precise.

Still, it’s a metric, an indicator of growth, that lets me objectively identify my wins.

What used to take a week to never, now happens within a day or a moment. That’s growth.

And Cycle Time.

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Once I framed it that way, I was able to identify a number of different actionable frameworks and strategies to accelerate it. (Still an overachiever y’all.)

That’s what this week’s newsletter is about. I'll be sharing 4.

First let’s unpack what we’re measuring.

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What do we mean by “personal growth”

Big picture, Personal Growth is many things…

• A journey
• An evolution
• The hardest f’ing thing you’ve ever done

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At this higher level, Growth manifests as

✨ lifestyle redesign

✨ sweeping narrative arcs

✨ transformational change and

✨ a whole new Operating System (OS) encoded with the priorities, patterns, ways of thinking and being that reflect how we want to show up in the world.

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Day to day, personal growth is a compounding of individual moments.

When we are aligned with our New OS, that’s growth.

When we default to our Old OS and then realign with our New OS, that’s growth.

When we are too exhausted to function and our Old OS takes over, that’s human.

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A “Unit of Growth”

When our nervous system is baselining in calm, our New OS is simply running in the background. New neural pathways are flowing like they’ve been there all along.

When we’re elevated — under stress, tired, hangry — it’s easy to slip out of the shallow grooves of New OS back into the more deeply entrenched Old OS ones.

That reversion to the Old OS is a Misalignment.

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Once a Misalignment occurs, there is a 4 step process to get back to Alignment:

⛔ Misalignment (Old OS kicked in)

1️⃣ Awareness

2️⃣ Acceptance

3️⃣ Integration

4️⃣ Realignment (New OS back online)

Each completed cycle is a unit of growth.

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OK, now that we know what we’re measuring, let’s zoom in.

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Cycle Time

Cycle Time is a concept borrowed from Lean Manufacturing that measures the amount of time it takes to manufacture a single unit.

In our case, it’s a unit of growth.

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So, Cycle Time (CT) is the amount of time that passes between the Old OS kicking in and the New OS coming back online.

When CT accelerates, growth happens more quickly. 💡

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For example, if it used to take you a week after an outburst to own your sh*t and instead you make amends the next day, that acceleration in your realignment is a measure of growth. Heck, that’s an 86% increase in cycle time! Whoop!

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At the beginning of my growth journey my feedback loops were slooooow. 🐢

I would notice a Misalignment and then get stuck pinwheeling in Acceptance.

I would obsess over the misstep, beating myself up, imaging worst case outcomes I had no control over.

As I kept at it, my Cycle Time sped up. I could move through a full Realignment within a day, and then a morning, and now, within a moment (like not all the time, let's be real, but often).

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The more CT increases,

the closer you get to real-time Alignment,

the more entrenched your New OS neural pathways become.

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Before you know it, New OS is your New Normal.

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Cycle Time Accelerators

Bonus! Cycle Time is something we can impact by adopting intentional strategies to accelerate at each stage of the personal growth process.

Here we’ll walk through one simple, actionable framework for each stage.

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Awareness: Self Check-Ins Acceptance: Repair Integration: 5 Whys Realignment: Breath

Awareness

Awareness is

the gatekeeper of growth.

the prerequisite for all software upgrades.

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Not to worry,

⚡ It’s also the easiest way to move the needle (once you get the hang of it)

⚡ It’s super-responsive to practice

⚡ It has ripple affects across every facet of your life.

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That’s a pretty high ROI.

The upfront capital: stepping into your role as an Observer of yourself.

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Choosing to notice.

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The moment you observe a Misalignment with the way you want to show up:

a boundary being abandoned

a hostile internal monologue

a fear-based response

an offensive defense

a fixed mindset

an old habit

a glitch

Notice.

Hello Old OS, you MFer. 🤨

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Awareness. ✅

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Awareness Accelerator: Self Check-Ins

Many of us are in (modern) survival mode.

Even when our bodies are not at risk ( 🙏), our egos are.

We’re so busy trying to make it through the day with our “good enough” intact that we probably wouldn’t notice the saber-toothed tiger anyway.

We’re on autopilot.

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Self Check-Ins

👍 bring us back into our role as Observer so we stop being so damn reactive.

👍 accelerate Cycle Time by building the habit of awareness and the muscle of noticing.

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Why it works:

By checking in with yourself on a regular basis you can

• Establish your baseline
• Recognize departures from baseline
• Identify which OS you’re operating in, Old or New

The more you practice, the more effortless your Awareness becomes.

Before you know it, you’re on to Acceptance.

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Try it:

Sit or stand in stillness.

Be with yourself.

Notice the voice inside your head? Tell her to STFU.

What do you feel?

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Do a full body scan.

Is your

chest neutral or tight

jaw loose or clenched

forehead flat or furrowed

hands calm, clenched or fidgety

shoulders relaxed or up by your ears

stomach quiet or churning, light or heavy?

Observe.

Where is there tension?

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When I started practicing this, I did a Self Check-In at a stoplight.

My jaw was locked down like Fort Knox and my hands were gripping the wheel like I was driving switchbacks down the side of a mountain.

WTAF?

My body was locked into fear and stress, as if a saber-toothed tiger was in the seat instead of my 8yo.

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Once I noticed, two things were possible:

• I was able to step out of survival mode and into the present moment.
• I realized that I actually clench my jaw a lot — something to be mindful of

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Practicing Self Check-Ins in times of low stress

builds the habit of awareness

attunes us to our bodies

calibrates our Knowing:

Old OS vs New OS.

Observe.

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That way when a Misalignment happens your Awareness can click right in.

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Acceptance

So, you’ve noticed.

You reverted to your Old OS.

It’s ok. We’re human.

You get to decide how soon you release the

🚨 regret

🚨 shame

🚨 frustration

🚨 insert other crappy feeling of the moment

I recommend ASAP.

The sooner you accept the “fact of” the misalignment as an objective reality, the sooner you can lean into learning from it.

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Acceptance Accelerator: Repair

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Repair accelerates Cycle Time by liberating you from regret and rumination.

The relief of knowing that meaningful, impactful repair is possible after an Old OS transgression helps us move forward into Acceptance.

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Does that mean the misalignment didn’t happen? Doesn’t matter?

No.

It means you don’t have to spiral on it forever.

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​Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Ted Talk on Repair is a GD revelation.

Her talk is framed in the context of parenting, and applies to any relationship in which you said or did something you wish you hadn’t.

I believe this to be true with my whole heart.

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10ish years ago, we did sleep training with my son.

I know sleep training is totally normal and millions of kids have gone through it with no issues, including my younger son. Fine.

At the same level of surety, I know that it left this child with trust issues and feeling unsafe.

And man do I regret that with my whole heart.

If I sit in that, I can flood with sorrow and self-loathing in less than 3 seconds.

Trust me, I did that for YEARS.

Now, I work to repair it.

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Every few months when the opportunity arises, I say something along the lines of:

“When you were a baby I let you feel unsafe. I didn’t come to you right away when you were crying at night. I did that because I thought it would help you become a better sleeper. Now I know it made you feel unsafe. I should have come right away. I made the wrong choice back then. I’m sorry.”

And I know with that same Knowing that those moments are helping both of us heal

so that we can Accept and

Integrate and

Grow.

Thanks Dr. Becky.

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Try it:

❤️‍🩹 First, repair with yourself.

Separate who you are from what you did.

You are not a bad [person/parent/boss/sister/whatever].

You’re a good [person/parent/boss/sister/whatever] who had a bad reaction.

It happens to all of us.

❤️‍🩹 Then, repair with the other person

​ Dr. Becky recommends 3 components of Repair: Name what happened Take responsibility State what you would do differently

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Repair helps with Cycle Time in the moment by unburdening us from regret and accelerating our ability to Accept and move forward.

When the actual repair happens is up to you.

Sooner is better.

But as Dr. Becky says: “It is not too late. It is never too late.”

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Integration

Once we Accept the reality of the Misalignment, we can begin to learn from it.

Note: this deeper learning can happen asynchronously, post-realignment.

You can be aware, accept and adjust without the deeper learning.

But until you go deeper, you are going to keep tripping over that trigger.

So ask yourself:

• Why did I do that? What triggered me back to my Old OS.
• What would I prefer to have done? What is the New OS response to that trigger?

This not to compare against your Better Self.

It’s to visualize and practice the preferred, New OS, approach.

Because practice forms habits and habits shape identity.

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Integration Accelerator: 5 Whys

‘5 Whys‘ is a simple framework we can access even when our monkey mind is in overdrive.

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Try it:

Start by asking yourself WHY you reacted that way (why did Old OS kick in)?

Then ask “why” 4 more times and really think about the answers.

Here's the Reader's Digest version of a time I used this approach to illustrate:

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1️⃣ Why did I just snap at my friend?

• She treated me like a child.

2️⃣ Why did I feel that way?

• She told me to do something I had already done.

3️⃣ Why does that matter?

• I feel ‘not good enough’ when people assume I haven’t done something.

4️⃣ Why?

• It threatens my self-worth because I identify as The Person who Gets Shit Done.

5️⃣ Why?

• Because being the one who gets things done as a child "earned" me acceptance and love.

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Huh!

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With the 5 Whys framework I surfaced a recurring pattern and learned a lesson that will help me avoid that Old OS response the next time that trigger arises because now I understand it.

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Lesson: People telling me to do something I’ve already done triggers a defensive reaction because I tie(d) my self-worth to my identity as someone who gets things done.

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⛔ Old OS:

Feel threatened (not good enough) and then snap.

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💚 New OS:

Notice the feeling of inadequacy, the defensiveness

Remember where it is coming from (me, not her)

Feel good about having already done the thing

Integrate and move on.

Grow baby grow. 🌱

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Alignment

If your CT is fast enough that this is all happening in real time, then make the adjustment and Realign with your New OS.

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If the deeper Integration work is happening on a lag, no worries.

That Awareness you exercised (14 scrolls ago 😬) is you noticing the gap between how you showed up and who you want to be.

So even if you haven’t done the deep dive that Integration requires, you’ve got this.

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Realign with your New OS and take your next step as the You that you want to be. 💪

You’re back baby.

New OS in full effect.

Those new grooves are getting deeper.

Celebrate that switch every. single. time.

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Let’s grow! (Insert my kids’ eye rolls here)

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Alignment Accelerator: Breath

Breathing is magic y’all.

Have you ever done it?

I don’t mean default breathing, I mean Intentional Breathing.

I ask because not too many moons ago, I never had.

In fact, I’m quite certain I even scoffed at the notion.

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Old OS: “Breathe. 🙄 Who has time to Breathe?”

New OS: 🙋‍♀️

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I marvel at the immediacy and depth of the impact almost every time.

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Try it:

There are a LOT of breathing techniques out there.

The 4 7 8, the 7 2 5, the 4 1 1… oh wait, that’s something different.

I’m not very good at mental math so I like to keep things simple.

I like Box Breathing because it’s straightforward and visual.

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Picture yourself tracing a box.

⬆️ Breathe in for 4 seconds

➡️ Hold for 4 seconds

⬇️ Breathe out for 4 seconds

⬅️ Hold for 4 seconds

Repeat.

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(Any number works, just keep it consistent throughout the cycle… or start calling it trapezoid breathing. Can you tell I have a 4th grader?)

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I do Box Breathing when I have time, though if I’m being honest, the “breath work” I do most often is little more than a glorified deep breath.

If I feel my Old OS creeping, I take a big slow inhale, filling my body like a balloon, beyond the point that feels full, then a long slooooooow exhale, as long and slow as I can. As I exhale, I check in with my body, releasing any tension, opening, inviting.

Ah, New OS, where have you been all my life?

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By experimenting with these intentional strategies:

Self Check-Ins

Repair

5 Whys

Breath

we can accelerate the Cycle Time of our personal growth, staying in Alignment with our New OS and showing up as our Best Self.

Let me know which one you try and how it works for you!

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See you next week!

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